Contact Us –

Contact Us

If you have an irrepressible urge to contact us, you can always try the form below…keeping in mind that the staff can neither read nor write. So your communication will probably just end up being read by the janitorial service: a couple of elderly Asian women who hate The Specious Report with a maniacal fervor that is truly frightening.

So don’t bother writing to say that we suck – you’ll just be preaching to the choir. They deny coming in late at night after everyone is gone and snooping around in our computers, but we know they do it. Personally, I suspect they’re with the government, although I’m not sure which government.They go through the refrigerator in our break room too, so don’t leave anything in there overnight. And definitely do NOT eat or drink anything you find in there.

I think one of them pissed in my Mountain Dew. We’d fire them, but they really do a good job of cleaning. They even dust way up there inside the lamp shades (but maybe that’s just to remove fingerprints, I don’t know). And one time, when our 8-track player quit working, it was mysteriously fixed overnight, which was kinda odd, but great, because it’s almost impossible to find anywhere that’ll service those things anymore.

A couple of our writers are “analog people” who insist quadraphonic quarter-inch tape is the greatest audio technology of all time. Anyway, all we could figure was one of those old ladies fixed it because I guarantee nobody else here touched the damn thing. Bunch of lazy bastards. Good luck trying to get them motivated.

I’ve been asking someone to assign me a space in the parking garage for six months now. I’ve even left little post-it notes around. But do I get a break? No. Yesterday I had to park four blocks away next to the dumpster behind the Taco Bell. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. 

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